Friday, May 28, 2010
My life is all about change right now. My kids are growing so fast! M starts KINDERGARTEN this year! L will be three, and AC got her first standardized test results. I am also preparing for a hysterectomy and bladder lift. I feel like the baby stage is officially come to an end on the farm! It is wonderful! But part of me feels like she is going to cut out my identity when she performs that surgery. I know that sounds crazy because all of these years I have fussed and complained about life with kids' woos, but really what else have I accomplished over the last ten years? I may not be the best at anything, and certainly not motherhood, either, but I have kept them alive for 8 years now. And most of the time they don't look or act like homeless hobos. All in all, though, I have been really good at being pregnant and eating too much. So after the surgery, that success level will be eliminated. That will not be a bad thing, just a definitive chapter in my life torn away with three little rugrats as evidence of it's previous existence. So on to my next chapter, right? Problem is, only God knows what that chapter is to hold, and if anyone knows me, you know that I am a control freak. Giving up the control (if I ever really had any) over where I am to go next in my life has proven terrifying. I litterally feel like I did in high school, wondering what I want to be when I grow up. I know that God is leading me away from my current teaching post, yet I cannot see past the laundry to know which new direction he is pointing. I used to pray in times like these and tell God where I wanted him to say it was OK for me to go, always to be shown a better way, but now I find myself praying for peace and surrender. I am so exhausted from dishes and laundry and piano and choir, that I cannot even breathe sometimes. I truly feel overwhelmed. I almost wish that it was still third grade and I could still dream of being an astronaut minus the math and the parachute jump. Anyway, times change, and God brings better things. God moves mountains, even ones made of laundry from three rugrats and a giant.